I am done.  I am done with diet this and keto that.  Low carb this, high fat that.  I have tried to be on the keto diet wagon for the last two months, and to be honest, I have never been so miserable.  And not even because of the lack of certain foods, but because of all the IG accounts I follow, or all the stuff talked about on FB, or see on the tv.  Its all bad juju that I am feeling from everything that I have been trying to follow.  The fact that I feel like a failure when I eat more than 20g carbs is enough to make anyone depressed.  And not to mention, that I have been straight up overwhelmed with emotions that pertain to depression and loneliness since moving here to Massachusetts.  I have greyed so much in these 11 months.  I have succumbed to the hermit lifestyle.  First due to the cold weather and snow, but then once spring arrived--the pollen here is deadly for me.  I was so sick once spring has sprung.  I never wanted to be outside because even the Zyrtec wasn't working.  So, what does someone do when this is their "current life"?  You wallow in it or you change it.  I wallowed and am still wallowing. 

Its a viscous cycle but its happening to me.  Because of the back injury, it's thrown off my will to exercise.  That and it hurts to exercise.  Even after going to PT for two months straight, I had no improvement.  And with the MRI showing that I had two bulging disks that require the referral to the neurosurgeon, which I can't start here due to the impending move, I'm just struggling to find a place where I can feel comfortable doing something that won't hurt me.  I have moments where I feel like I may be able to get some endorphins in.  Then I go try a run at the gym, or a fitness class, and then I am spending a few days recovering in agony.  What fun is that?  What kind of life is this?  So, once I start seeing a neuro doc and if they tell me that injections can work to get me running again, I will try.  Even though I am scared to death.  Scared of injections into the spine or even spinal surgery, scared of what could go wrong, scared of recovery process, etc.  All these things scare me.  Wow.  They truly scare me.

Another thing I am beginning to see is my impact on my daughter.  My daughter is so beautiful.  She is flawless in my eyes.  Not only is she super smart and talented, but she has a fresh beauty about her.  She's beautiful in so many ways.  However, in my moment of wallowing and complaining to her about my low self esteem issue and how I currently am so disappointed with my body and myself, she told me basically that my bad self image is giving her one.  HOLD UP.  That right there I never meant to happen, not ever.  I never want my beautiful daughter to hate herself or something about her.  She's flawless in my eyes.  Absolutely flawless.  Not to mention, I'd die for a head of hair like hers.  Ha. 

So, starting tonight, I am done.  Done with the self bashing, the negative talk, and the damn wanna be dieting that I know is not what I am needing.  I need to find my self-love again.  I know I am missing a lot of it due to my pain and aches and not being able to run, but the pitty train stops here.  NO more.  So here's to bagels again.  Tostitoe chips too.  (I miss these two the most) .  And to self-love and self-care.  And to be the kind of role model my children deserve!